I posted a very vague update saying I was going to take a mental health day without much explanation as to what happened.
For reference: I am dealing with a lot of PTSD symptoms. My parents were narcissists – moreso my mother, and my ex husband was cut very similarly from the same cloth. Without going into details, my life had been literal hell until 2017 when I fully went no contact with all of them after the divorce.
Part of what narcissists do is hammer the thought of “the (your) world is unsafe without (me in it)” as deep as they can to make you stay. Take my mom for instance, who, when I was little, showed me graphic videos of car wrecks, pointed cars out on the roads when we passed them and said “That’s gonna be you if you ever drive.”
She never let me take drivers ed. My ex husband never let me drive and the ONLY reason/way I even got my drivers license was because I couldn’t be hired as a CNA without it. So. Three hours of “instruction” (read: my ex screaming at me that I had murdered a cone when I was trying to parallel park) and berating me because “you should know how to do this, it’s not hard” I took my driving test the next day and passed.
Cue me STILL not being allowed to drive.
When I turned 30, I got my first car. And three weeks later, hit someone coming out of a parking lot.
That cemented my driving phobia. But, I continued to force myself to drive back and forth to work until my car gave up the ghost.
(Billowing smoke, I pulled over, called my bf and he came and drove it to a shop while I drove his car.)
Okay, but what does this have to do with yesterday?
Boyfriend and I passed by a fender bender. The car was pretty badly dinged up.
Apparently I went pale and started hyperventilating.
I. Was. Not. There. For what seemed like hours my mind played vivid scenarios of me being in crashes, ways I would die, bleeding out and just…so much bad stuff. When we pulled in to get gas he finally made “contact” so to speak;
(Earth to DS! Helllooooo?)
and I just lost it. Two minutes. I had been locked in a vivid dream, a literal nightmare, for only two minutes. I was so out of it I couldn’t tell you what we talked about on the ride home other than me saying one thing:
“I need help. I’m calling the local therapy office tomorrow.”
I had to force myself to eat. My mind kept trying to push those intrusive thoughts back in, so I did what I could to keep my mind occupied. Took a hot bubble bath. Commented on Twitter posts. Chatted with people. Searched for more clients. Watched YouTube.
I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up at 3:45 am.
I pride myself on being strong, and my body is telling me “ENOUGH CHICKA. Get backup, we got work to do.”
I’m not going down without a fight. And I’m not giving up on driving. I want to beat this. I need to.
And I know I got all y’all as my cheering squad.
So thank you for understanding, and thank you for sticking by me. We got this!