Hey all, another post on the blog – and I wish it was a good one, but alas, it’s not.
On 1/24/2020 I got a message from my biological sister. Basically, my dad’s health is failing – he’s dying, not actively (yet), but his health has declined to the point that a lot of the times, he can’t get out of bed. The last time I saw a picture of him he reminded me of a lot of my hospice residents from back in my days as a CNA. He, quite literally, as a foot in the grave already, and my bitch of a mother is pushing him in more. You would think that someone who physically can’t work, has been reduced to using adult briefs or messing the bed, and generally their health is failing would be urged to go on disability or – retire.
My mom is actively pushing him to keep working until he pretty much drops over dead. I had attempted to contact him via text and tell him that I would be willing to see him, as long as she wasn’t around, and was met with hostility. To this day, I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t her who replied. An argument ensued, I was told I was ripping the family apart, was blamed for pretty much everything, and yet she could do no wrong. Nothing was her fault. She is a classic, textbook case of a narcissistic parent and a lot of the issues I’ve worked through and continue to work through are due to her.
So. I made my peace, told him this was my last reply, that I loved him but under no circumstances was I to be around someone who was mother only by chance – and – if he couldn’t compromise, I would see him on the other side. Replies poured in that said how much I was hurting him, how terrible of a person I was, and, the only way I could physically say bye to him was if I would see my mom too. So, I pretty much was put in a dilemma – do I go against medical advice and see him knowing she would be there, or keep my boundaries lock tight?
I’m not going to see him, nor am I going to his funeral as – like my boyfriend’s family agreed – there would at best be an argument and at worst, I’d get jumped. It happened at my grandmother’s funeral, because quite frankly my folks are all white trash.
I pretty much sobbed my eyes out over the course of two days. Then, another blow – my sister revealed to me she had a brain tumor. It’s caused her to have syncope and she’s debating on not having it removed because of the survival rate was supposedly only six years. I told her that she still should, but it was ultimately her choice. She’s going to be leaving behind a teenager to a man who is, in all intents and purposes, a terrible human.
THEN, on 1/27/2020, I sat in an ER for 8 hours with my boyfriend because he was having severe abdominal pain. Scans showed nothing. He had a cat scan of both his stomach and head, and the doctor (bless him with how thorough he was being) said he needed to go see a gastro because this isn’t normal, but none of the tests showed anything. His BP was elevated because of the amount of pain he was in – and that’s with his medications in him too. I took three days (Mon, Tues, Wed) off to take care of him and try to get him up and running so he could go to work today. He will need stents eventually, and a hernia surgery, but he’s stubborn and trying to push it off as long as possible. Which, is no bueno – but again, his body, his choice.
Why am I writing all of this, you ask? Because point blank – I’m tired. I’m so tired. I lost my brother in 2015, my adopted sister in 2019 and am losing my dad soon – as well as my sister if things don’t change, and with everything going on I’m trying my hardest to keep up on commissions. This was way too long to compose in a full tweet and I didn’t want to clog up my gallery page with it, so I figured pouring my heart onto the pages of my blog would be best.
To those who would tell me to just get over it – I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard. Things just suck, period. That’s life. I’m having constant migraines from things and keeping them at bay with sumatriptin – which makes me feel like ten layers of boiled butthole.
I’m just tired, y’all.
EDIT: Lack of sleep isn’t fun y’all. There was one other thing that had slipped my mind too: I found out someone close to me had a knife pulled on them and was r*ped this week. So yeah. Things are suck.